Gauging our Bitachon

The Midrash teaches that after Yaakov Avinu was stripped of his material goods he declared, "אשא עיני אל ההרים מאין יבא עזרי"—“‘I lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where will my help come?’ Eliezer the servant of Avraham brought ten loaded camels to convince my mother to marry my father. I don’t even have one earring or a bracelet to court my wife-to-be!

But he immediately encouraged himself, “Will I then lose my bitachon? Chas v’shalom that I should lose my hope and trust in Hashem! 'עזרי מעם ה' עושה שמים וארץ!'—“My help will come from Hashem, Maker of heaven and earth.’”[1]

The commentary on the Midrash explains that the word mountains—הרים—alludes to parents—הורים—since both words are essentially the same. The word עזרי alludes to Yaakov Avinu’s future wife, the woman he hoped would be his עזר כנגדו, his helpmate.[2]

Even Yaakov Avinu, the bechir ha’avos, had a momentary lapse of bitachon before he was able to reconnect with Hashem and trust in Him fully. Clearly, bitachon is an ongoing process with its attendant setbacks, and since it is a dynamic quality we run the risk of fooling ourselves into thinking that we have attained a high level even though we have not. So how are we to know whether we are truly developing greater bitachon or just coasting?

One simple gauge of genuine bitachon is our degree of patience when facing challenges. The more bitachon one has, the harder it is to unsettle him.[3] The Alter of Kelm, zt”l, tells us that this is like walking along a narrow log to cross over a raging river. Fear itself makes it very difficult to walk along such a narrow bridge, and the person who manages it with aplomb demonstrates his confidence in a positive outcome.[4] When a person knows that he is in Hashem’s hands, bitachon is strong and fear dissipates. The bridge beneath his feet is solid, and so the pressures of a gust of wind or the fearsome sound of the rushing river below him cannot make him falter.

Our bitachon-stability is highlighted most clearly in our reactions to other people. Do we become flustered and defensive when we are challenged by their behavior, or do we have patience and try to see it from their point of view? One of the greatest tests of our real, not illusory, level of bitachon is in how we treat our spouse. The Midrash itself points to this, since Yaakov Avinu’s own lapse was in the matter of his shidduch.

Rav Nissim Yagen, zt”l, would often discuss the challenges of shalom bayis. “It truly pains me that many times shortly after marriage husbands approach me with complaints. ‘Rabbi, my wife is simply not what I though her to be before our marriage.’

“I invariably reply in kind: ‘You too, are not precisely as she thought you to be before your marriage!’

“The truth is that this feeling betrays a marked lack of bitachon. Chazal brought three proofs from Tanach that one’s wife is heaven-sent.[5] The Ben Ish Chai, zt”l, asks why the Gemara there specifically discusses shidduchim. Is not everything from Hashem? He explains that it is especially in this area that one comes to see with his own eyes that the woman Hashem has sent him is truly his match made in heaven. Like the splitting of the Yam Suf, natural law does not reign when it comes to shidduchim!

Rav Yagen concluded, “But one needs a lot of patience until he sees this, especially at the beginning. I still recall my first trip to America many years ago. I saw a slogan on a billboard that proclaimed a message from Kennedy’s inauguration address: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.’ This is also the secret to building a good marriage: Ask not what your spouse can do for you. Ask instead what you can do for your spouse!”[6]

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[1] Bereishis Rabbah 68:2

[2] Maharzu, ad loc

[3] Likutei Moharan I:155; Alter of Kelm in Chochmah U’Mussar II:153

[4] Chochmah U’Mussar, Ibid

[5] Moed Katan 18

[6] Nesivei Ohr, p. 173-174, 179

The Basis of Shalom Bayis

Rav Michel Yehudah Lefkowitz, shlit”a, once explained how a ben Torah should treat his wife. “I heard that whenever there was thunder and lightning, my rebbe, Rav Shlomo Heiman, zt”l would stop the shiur and rush home. What was behind this strange custom? Very simple. His wife was afraid of lightning and thunder so he felt responsible to run home to calm her.”
When asked how to build a good relationship with one’s wife, he replied, “Shalom bayis all depends on how the husband relates to his wife. If he treats her right and honors her, she will see that he recognizes everything she does and appreciates her efforts in the home. Naturally she will also relate to him in kind.
“But the way to win the respect of one’s wife is to be careful not to waste time. If she sees that her husband uses every spare moment to learn, she will think the world of him. Sometimes we find a relationship where the wife is reluctant to allow the husband to spend much time learning. Most often this is because he does not help her around the house. A husband should realize that time spent helping around the house is not wasted, since if one helps he will usually find that his wife will allow him to learn more.
“Our sages teach that it is our sacred duty to love our wives as ourselves and to honor her even more than ourselves. Practically this means that one should compliment his wife as much as possible both for whatever she does as a partner, for building a family together, and for every second she allows him to learn Torah. Even when the husband doesn’t really feel like it he should still compliment her, since this encourages her and builds their relationship. When an avrech reaches a certain milestone in his learning, he must inform his wife to allow her to share in his simchah. She is a partner in every iota of his learning and has every right to know!”

Achieving Shalom Bayis

Rav Nissim Yagen, zt”l, recounted: “It truly pains me that many times shortly after marriage husbands approach me with complaints. ‘Rabbi, my wife is simply not what I though her to be before our marriage.’
“I invariably reply in precisely the same manner: ‘You too, are not precisely as she thought you to be before your marriage!’
“The truth is that this feeling betrays a marked lack of bitachon. In Moed Katan 18, Chazal bring three proofs from Tanach that Hashem sends one’s wife to him particularly. The ben Ish Chai, zt”l, asks why the gemara specifically discusses shiduchim. Is not everything from Hashem?
“He explains that specifically in these areas one eventually sees clearly with his own eyes that the woman Hashem has sent him is truly his shidduch, since like the splitting of the Yam Suf, natural law does not reign when it comes to shidduchim.
“But one needs a lot of patience until he sees this, especially at the beginning. I still recall my first trip to America thirty years ago. I saw a slogan that pithily explains how to build and maintain a good marriage. It was on a billboard that proclaimed a message from Kennedy’s inauguration address: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.’ This is the secret to marriage. Ask not what your spouse can do for you. Ask instead what you can do for your spouse!”

Shalom Bayis--a caveat

A comment was submitted that the last two postings on Shalom Bayis were also helpful for husbands. Although I agree that when you help the wives, you're helping the husbands too, there is an important distinction to be made.
In my community, the Rav always spoke in the shiurim to the men about the need to appreciate their wives, to help, to pay attention to their wives, and so on. And the Rebbetzin always spoke about how important it is to let the men learn and pray, not to always be throwing on them these burdens of the household if possible, etc.
Which can, and has, lead to the unfortunate problem of women coming to their husbands with kashrus-approved resentments, "Why don't you listen to the Rav? Why don't you help out more?" And the husbands might answer in the same vein, "Don't you know that I have more important things to do than do the floors for you? Why don't you understand that my learning is worth something?"
The wise person is always seeking to hear the words of mussar that apply to him or her, not to the other. If we want to achieve shalom bayis, we need to seek out the chizuk that applies to ourselves and our own challenges, not further ammunition to take the moral inventory of our partner.
Which I'm sure wasn't Yitz's intention with his comment, but I just thought it only right to mention.

Shalom Bayis Q&A, part 2

A continuation of the conversation about the issues that came up in the first installment...

> Dear Yehudis,
>
> Shavua Tov! I wanted to ask a few more questions about Shalom Bayit.
>
I have to start by saying that my husband is a very warm, caring, partner with yirat shamayim (he even usually does whatever dishes are left at night); a fun, responsible, and caring father, and a good Jew. I have been particularly emotional lately and am focusing a lot of anger, disappointment, frustration on him.

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Yes, it sounds like it. You have to take account of the fact that your hormones are working overtime because you are pregnant. This tends to pass.
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> He just got Rav Arush's book on Shalom Bayit, so that could help.
>
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How about your, yourself, reading B'Gan HaEmunah by Rav Arush?
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> I hope none of this is Lashon haRa. I am writing it for the purpose of coming to a higher place in Shalom Bayit, and am sharing it with you b/c I trust that you will give him the benefit of the doubt and know that he is a beautiful neshama. Please let me know if any of it is inappropriate or if there is a better way of communicating.

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I am anyway not accepting anything you say as the "truth" of the situation, rather as the expression of your take on it and your own feelings. The Chofetz Chayim teaches that you are permitted to speak out your heart to a confidante provided that it is understood on both ends that you aren't out to badmouth anyone, and I'm not out to hear anyone maligned. Which is true in our case.
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>
> I'm rereading the Surrendered Wife and feel in some ways that I'm making progress and in some ways confused about some of the messages.

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The book is not Toras Moshe M'Sinai. It's helpful, I don't agree with all of it, but she makes many important points that often get lost.
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> A lot of these questions are based on premises from the book. During Bein hazmanim, I shared with you some of my challenges around not feeling like I was getting enough attention from my husband. One of the claims in the book, is that if he is spending a lot of time doing something else, it could be to avoid your controlling, nagging, etc. The examples she gives is him watching TV, overworking. . . this is the "havdil of havdalot" from Torah learning, which is what my husband spends the majority of his time doing. So how to relate? I was very angry thinking that somehow this was to avoid me, and still not so shaleym that he chose it over me. Of course when I mentioned I thought we might spend some time together, he was more than willing to make the space. I guess I'm expecting too much to want that to come from his own initiative. At the same time, I was able to whole-heartedly thank him for bringing Torah learning into the home, and not disturb him while he was learning, which took a lot of self-control.
>

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Okay. First of all, like I tried to point out before, you are in a bind. Because you would like to have two things that are incompatible, and you also don't like feeling like a nag. It seems obvious that you cannot both have his attention and time and also get to feel like a bit of a tzadekes for letting him learn. It's one or the other. My recommendation would be to get out of both mentalities if possible. Meaning, that you clarify just how much of your need for attention is genuine and how much is a mental projection of what you think ought to be "magiah lach"--coming to you. Because, it's natural that we develop these mental pictures of what is supposed to be, and when we are operating from the level of fantasy, it can mess up our reality. Put it this way; a woman can get into a deep resentment about her husband not doing the dishes, not because they ever spoke about it and he promised and reneged, or because he put up a fuss and outright refused, but simply because she *assumed* that he would pick up on the fact that he *ought to* volunteer. It's also natural that his assumptions about what is the norm, what the wife will normally want or expect, has been shaped by his own upbringing, and unless it is either brought out into the open or acceded to, it's going to create a problem.
The other mentality is the business of being a tzadekes. Now, I think that it's probably nice to be a tzadekes (not that I have any first-hand knowledge), but my impression as an outsider to tzidkus is that it is not characterized by resentment and stewing in silence or rage.
So, you have to make some decision inside yourself about your relationship with Torah study and your real, not your fantasy, real-life support of Torah study. Do you love the Torah enough to let your husband sit and learn? Do not assume (like perhaps you read in Surrendered Wife) that it's avoidance. Chas v'shalom! Hopefully, it is real ahavas haTorah you see under your nose. And considering that your husband is a good Jew who also loves you, it is safe to assume that it is not avoidance. Learning is challenging, and most men would rather shoot the breeze with their wives than learn if it's a burden to them. It's not like watching TV or reading a novel or fooling with a computer.
So he's learning. Great! Now you get to see where you are holding in your love of learning. Maybe you are finding that you don't love the Torah quite as much as you thought! I will admit from experience that this can be disillusioning. Even so, the feelings highlight the place that needs work.
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> Another issue I am having that I mentioned before, is the balance of not controlling, i.e. telling him what to do (which he is usually willing to do when I ask), and then not being resentful that I'm doing it myself when I restrain myself from asking.
> The book claims that this will pass as he gains confidence and desire to please you, he will pick up the slack. In the meantime, I feel like the more I do, the less he does. At some point I just shut down and get angry. (An example: I was cooking for Shabbat, setting the table, preparing the food,getting our daughter ready, bringing the food, and clearing the table.) By seuda shlishit, I was feeling very exhausted and unable to do anything so of course, he did all of those things for the seuda. I very much appreciate when he does it and do let him know, however it feels like it happens more from a place of my being angry or shutting down so that he is forced to do it.

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I tend to go along with the theory, "Mistome, you married a good guy who is out to make you happy. So why are you not letting him know that you're flailing?"
It's like the husband is on the shore, and the wife is swimming and she gets a cramp. And she's very stoic, so she's rubbing the leg, and all the while he sees her way out there and is thinking, "Oh, she's great. What a swimmer! And she's so lovely, and I can't believe she's mine." Meanwhile, the wife massages out the cramp, nearly drowns, and eventually makes her painful way back to shore. Where she immediately laces into her husband, "I could have drowned out there! Didn't you see I was in trouble?! Why didn't you swim out to help me?! You ****!" And so on. You get the picture.
So it's easy to say, "Lady, why didn't you raise you hand out of the water and send a signal?"
Send a signal.
Don't wait until you're overwhelmed and angry. Just let him know, without recriminations and with trust in his innate goodness and love for you, "I've put out a lot of energy making Shabbos, and I think I'm finished. I'm struggling a little here, and I really need your help. Could you help me out, please?" This is the tzadekes problem all over again. We want to come off like we have it all covered, so we wait too long to ask for reasonable assistance. When you have a real need, you shouldn't have to nudge (in the sense of "noodge"). If you don't demand, you allow your partner to be gracious and give. If you don't let on you need help, he will naturally assume that you don't.
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> I have come to realize that a lot of my anger and disappointment comes from unmet expectations. I expect that when he's home, which is only a few hours that we're awake and home at the same time (not including Shabbat), of course where we're together most of the day and I have similar expectations) he should be focused on my needs or my daughter's or the household.

I'll be having a fine day and will be busy preparing dinner so it will be ready when he gets home. He walks in the door and sits down to rest, maybe plays with our daughter but doesn't necessarily get her something if she asks, and at some point I turn into a sourpuss that he isn't helping get dinner on the table or taking over with whatever our daughter needs. Or with the Shabbat table, I expect that he has equal (or maybe even more so since I'm doing it all week and feel like it's a time to rest) responsibility to get bring the food, or get our daughter what she needs. He really often does, only when he doesn't it's hard for me.
>

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See above. I have a friend who says, "Tzipiot, heim rak lakariyot." Which means: "Expectations (which are also pillowcases in Hebrew) are only for the pillows."
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> The last thing for now, I know it's a lot, is again from the Surrendered Wife. he is an expert at "casting the bait". Which way is better to get to X (where he's driven a hundred times) Where's the lemon? Can I eat this? Can I learn now?" He is a very considerate person and wants to please, so he wouldn't want to take something to eat that might be saved for someone else. However, often there is more than enough of that food, and I always say yes. So when he baits me and I try to say "I don't know" or "Whatever you think," it tends to be from a place of irritation, or anger. In our dating, I had this issue with him that he would rarely take a stand about where to go or what to do. "Well what do you want to do? What do you think?" Here I am trying to give up control... (although not so graciously, and he won't take it.)

--
That's an important little point hiding in there. I'm not going to comment, but I will recommend that you mediate on your words for a bit. Something is very off there. All of this "not taking control" sounds like a very controlling way to change your husband. Consider this.
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From spending time with his parents, I know he grew up in a household where all the cooking, down to preparing a sandwich, and most everything else was done for him and everything in exact order. And his mother ran the show. Also a European kind of politeness/humility, of asking to use something or take it, which is not my way of doing things. Most of the time, I'd rather he take whatever's in the fridge without asking and if I had been intending on eating it, I just assume that I'll find something else. There is always plenty around. So he's all the time with these questions about what to do or how to do a thing, and half the time I answer out of habit, and the other half I'm angry that he can't/won't "be a man" and figure it out himself.
>
> Reflecting on this, I need a lot of tefillah to Hashem to help with my anger and to have compassion, and patience and love for my husband. I also want to believe that the more I give up control the more he'll take. In the meantime I need to work on being quiet without it boiling up inside; to appreciate his caring nature and his desire to please; and take care of myself. Rest more, not over do it, so I have koah and patience for him when he is home.
>
> As always, I appreciate any feedback. Thanks again for all your help in the past. You truly are a wonderful mashpia. I gain a lot of chizuk from who you are and your teachings.
>
> Love and Blessings,
...
>
>
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I see that at the end there you sort of figured out all by yourself that you need to have more understanding.
I was working with a kallah today, and I tried to explain to her that objective #1 during Shanah Rishonah is to learn how not to exploit the vulnerabilities of my partner that I begin to discover after we are married. Both you and your husband have vulnerabilities, weaknesses in other words, and it is your job not to exploit his, and his not to exploit yours. If you see that he is "handicapped" by certain aspects of his upbringing (which you must bear in mind, other women who come from his own culture might find perfectly appropriate and desirable), it is mainly because you are not an exact fit there. Over time, the rough edges that don't quite align will wear down, and you will fit better. This is the process of the marriage. He will adjust to you, and you will adjust to him.
Take care,
Yehudis

Shalom Bayis Q&A, part 1

Yehudis often gets calls and letters with questions about shalom bayis and chinuch. We have decided to begin to post (with permission, of course) some of these "conversations" in case they might be of benefit to others out there in the blogosphere. The questioner's words are prefaced by the right-arrows; Yehudis' answers appear between two rows of dotted lines.


> Dear Yehudis,

>
> I have Shalom Bayit questions and am exhausted now so, maybe I'll quickly ask: When am I to share my feelings that my husband is not giving me enough attention or doing enough around the house? He's off yeshiva for the week and he's spending the morning at home learning Torah, which I honor and at the same time, I had this idea we should be spending special time together. I guess I need to tell him that but am not sure how to do so without being accusatory, i.e. "Why don't you give me more attention?!" And of course I'm busy doing laundry, cleaning up, getting groceries , whatever, but it's hard for me to be in the same space together during bein hazemanim, (usually he's at yeshiva most of the day), and not somehow connecting more. I'm confused about giving him space to do what he needs to be fulfilled (i.e. learning Torah), and somehow wanting to feel fulfilled through him.
>

> Love and Blessings,

....

-------------------

Dear .....,
Well, that's a bundle of questions all wrapped up together.
You really telescoped a few very different matters into a single question, with I think not enough clarity about the difference between all of them.
1) You are resentful that he is there and not helping you more with the household.
2) You are not sure how to feel about him sitting and learning while you are running around taking care of business. You have this idea that you should automatically feel inspired, but you're not and that makes you feel like something's wrong; either between the two of you, or with your emunah.
3) You are feeling ignored, which is painful.
4) You are a little jealous that he gets to learn and that you are doing the wash!
5) You are unclear about the period of bein hazemanim. Is it time for a vacation? Going out for long walks? Schmoozing?
6) How are you supposed to express your emotional needs and perhaps your need or desire for assistance without being a nag?

I hope that I have it pretty much down, and here's my take on it:
I have a feeling that the two of you never discussed just what your ideas are about bein hazemanim. When I got married, the first bein hazemanim after the wedding was Nissan. I remember that on the first day, my husband looked at me across the table and said, "Bein hazemanim is a makah she'einah kesuvah baTorah, a plague that was never written about in the Torah." I didn't take that as a statement that he didn't want to spend time with me; I understood it the way he meant it--that it throws you off your stride, and it's an adjustment that is hard. And I could tell that it didn't have to do only with having the responsibility of helping me out to prepare for Pesach, but that it had always been difficult, even when he was just a bochur with barely any responsibilities of his own aside from learning.
I'm not big on doing too much talking and analysis, because I think that the men tend to get bulldozed by those conversations. In practical terms, though, you have a number of options.

1) Realize that your husband is probably trying very hard not to lose the flow of learning, the discipline of it, so that he will be able to return to yeshiva without having to struggle to get back his groove. What he has is yours too, so I would say that you should try for some compassion. Learn to ignore his presence and try and focus on the Torah vibe in the house. Most women have an easier time when their husbands are out learning than when they're home, because they mistakenly assume that if the man is home he ought to be at their service. It's simply not true. But I will admit that, as a wife, it is a very big challenge not to fall into that kind of thinking.
2) That said, if you really need help or you really need time together, it is important to get it across. Before you say anything, just look at your husband and think, "I married him for this, and this, and this good quality. He has all of those qualities and many more. He is a good guy who is not out to make my life difficult. If he knew that I felt badly, he would surely make an effort to help me or focus his attention on me." Then, when your heart is filled with love and positive thoughts, you can say, "I'm sorry to disturb your learning; I know it's very important. I was just wondering if, when you have a minute, you might be able to help me with something/you might be able to give me a little time, because I need you."
But, really, the best thing is to pretend he's not there when he doesn't want to be disturbed, and go about your business. Not resentfully, just think that he's in yeshiva and just like you wouldn't call him in the middle of seder to ask him to come home and take out the garbage, you wouldn't stop him at home unless it's an emergency.
3) Now, you might want to discuss the fact that you would like to work out that every bein hazemanim (not chol hamoed), you're thinking that it would be good for your marriage to take a day together. Then, you don't feel like you never got your special time, but it doesn't have to color the entire bein hazemanim. And if, one time, it doesn't work out, it's not a big deal. Because there's another bein hazemanim coming up in a few months anyway.
4) About feeling fulfilled... You aren't going to have the fulfillment if you are bearing a grudge. That has to be worked out--then you'll find that it's easier to feel good about him sitting and learning. Because you don't have this underlying expectation that he's going to be at your disposal. You know that he cannot do both at the same time.
On the flip side, the more your focus on the importance of the Torah, how good it is for your home to have Torah studied there, the easier it will be to let go of the resentment and the expectations. He's doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing. If you really need him, it will have to become understood between the two of you that he will help you. When your husband knows that you will only call on him when necessary, he will respond devotedly. At least, this is my experience.

Take care,
Yehudis