A comment was submitted that the last two postings on Shalom Bayis were also helpful for husbands. Although I agree that when you help the wives, you're helping the husbands too, there is an important distinction to be made.
In my community, the Rav always spoke in the shiurim to the men about the need to appreciate their wives, to help, to pay attention to their wives, and so on. And the Rebbetzin always spoke about how important it is to let the men learn and pray, not to always be throwing on them these burdens of the household if possible, etc.
Which can, and has, lead to the unfortunate problem of women coming to their husbands with kashrus-approved resentments, "Why don't you listen to the Rav? Why don't you help out more?" And the husbands might answer in the same vein, "Don't you know that I have more important things to do than do the floors for you? Why don't you understand that my learning is worth something?"
The wise person is always seeking to hear the words of mussar that apply to him or her, not to the other. If we want to achieve shalom bayis, we need to seek out the chizuk that applies to ourselves and our own challenges, not further ammunition to take the moral inventory of our partner.
Which I'm sure wasn't Yitz's intention with his comment, but I just thought it only right to mention.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Shalom Bayis--a caveat
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Shalom Bayis Q&A, part 2
A continuation of the conversation about the issues that came up in the first installment...
> Dear Yehudis,
>
> Shavua Tov! I wanted to ask a few more questions about Shalom Bayit.
>
I have to start by saying that my husband is a very warm, caring, partner with yirat shamayim (he even usually does whatever dishes are left at night); a fun, responsible, and caring father, and a good Jew. I have been particularly emotional lately and am focusing a lot of anger, disappointment, frustration on him.
--
Yes, it sounds like it. You have to take account of the fact that your hormones are working overtime because you are pregnant. This tends to pass.
---
> He just got Rav Arush's book on Shalom Bayit, so that could help.
>
--
How about your, yourself, reading B'Gan HaEmunah by Rav Arush?
---
> I hope none of this is Lashon haRa. I am writing it for the purpose of coming to a higher place in Shalom Bayit, and am sharing it with you b/c I trust that you will give him the benefit of the doubt and know that he is a beautiful neshama. Please let me know if any of it is inappropriate or if there is a better way of communicating.
---
I am anyway not accepting anything you say as the "truth" of the situation, rather as the expression of your take on it and your own feelings. The Chofetz Chayim teaches that you are permitted to speak out your heart to a confidante provided that it is understood on both ends that you aren't out to badmouth anyone, and I'm not out to hear anyone maligned. Which is true in our case.
---
>
> I'm rereading the Surrendered Wife and feel in some ways that I'm making progress and in some ways confused about some of the messages.
--
The book is not Toras Moshe M'Sinai. It's helpful, I don't agree with all of it, but she makes many important points that often get lost.
---
> A lot of these questions are based on premises from the book. During Bein hazmanim, I shared with you some of my challenges around not feeling like I was getting enough attention from my husband. One of the claims in the book, is that if he is spending a lot of time doing something else, it could be to avoid your controlling, nagging, etc. The examples she gives is him watching TV, overworking. . . this is the "havdil of havdalot" from Torah learning, which is what my husband spends the majority of his time doing. So how to relate? I was very angry thinking that somehow this was to avoid me, and still not so shaleym that he chose it over me. Of course when I mentioned I thought we might spend some time together, he was more than willing to make the space. I guess I'm expecting too much to want that to come from his own initiative. At the same time, I was able to whole-heartedly thank him for bringing Torah learning into the home, and not disturb him while he was learning, which took a lot of self-control.
>
---
Okay. First of all, like I tried to point out before, you are in a bind. Because you would like to have two things that are incompatible, and you also don't like feeling like a nag. It seems obvious that you cannot both have his attention and time and also get to feel like a bit of a tzadekes for letting him learn. It's one or the other. My recommendation would be to get out of both mentalities if possible. Meaning, that you clarify just how much of your need for attention is genuine and how much is a mental projection of what you think ought to be "magiah lach"--coming to you. Because, it's natural that we develop these mental pictures of what is supposed to be, and when we are operating from the level of fantasy, it can mess up our reality. Put it this way; a woman can get into a deep resentment about her husband not doing the dishes, not because they ever spoke about it and he promised and reneged, or because he put up a fuss and outright refused, but simply because she *assumed* that he would pick up on the fact that he *ought to* volunteer. It's also natural that his assumptions about what is the norm, what the wife will normally want or expect, has been shaped by his own upbringing, and unless it is either brought out into the open or acceded to, it's going to create a problem.
The other mentality is the business of being a tzadekes. Now, I think that it's probably nice to be a tzadekes (not that I have any first-hand knowledge), but my impression as an outsider to tzidkus is that it is not characterized by resentment and stewing in silence or rage.
So, you have to make some decision inside yourself about your relationship with Torah study and your real, not your fantasy, real-life support of Torah study. Do you love the Torah enough to let your husband sit and learn? Do not assume (like perhaps you read in Surrendered Wife) that it's avoidance. Chas v'shalom! Hopefully, it is real ahavas haTorah you see under your nose. And considering that your husband is a good Jew who also loves you, it is safe to assume that it is not avoidance. Learning is challenging, and most men would rather shoot the breeze with their wives than learn if it's a burden to them. It's not like watching TV or reading a novel or fooling with a computer.
So he's learning. Great! Now you get to see where you are holding in your love of learning. Maybe you are finding that you don't love the Torah quite as much as you thought! I will admit from experience that this can be disillusioning. Even so, the feelings highlight the place that needs work.
--
> Another issue I am having that I mentioned before, is the balance of not controlling, i.e. telling him what to do (which he is usually willing to do when I ask), and then not being resentful that I'm doing it myself when I restrain myself from asking.
> The book claims that this will pass as he gains confidence and desire to please you, he will pick up the slack. In the meantime, I feel like the more I do, the less he does. At some point I just shut down and get angry. (An example: I was cooking for Shabbat, setting the table, preparing the food,getting our daughter ready, bringing the food, and clearing the table.) By seuda shlishit, I was feeling very exhausted and unable to do anything so of course, he did all of those things for the seuda. I very much appreciate when he does it and do let him know, however it feels like it happens more from a place of my being angry or shutting down so that he is forced to do it.
--
I tend to go along with the theory, "Mistome, you married a good guy who is out to make you happy. So why are you not letting him know that you're flailing?"
It's like the husband is on the shore, and the wife is swimming and she gets a cramp. And she's very stoic, so she's rubbing the leg, and all the while he sees her way out there and is thinking, "Oh, she's great. What a swimmer! And she's so lovely, and I can't believe she's mine." Meanwhile, the wife massages out the cramp, nearly drowns, and eventually makes her painful way back to shore. Where she immediately laces into her husband, "I could have drowned out there! Didn't you see I was in trouble?! Why didn't you swim out to help me?! You ****!" And so on. You get the picture.
So it's easy to say, "Lady, why didn't you raise you hand out of the water and send a signal?"
Send a signal.
Don't wait until you're overwhelmed and angry. Just let him know, without recriminations and with trust in his innate goodness and love for you, "I've put out a lot of energy making Shabbos, and I think I'm finished. I'm struggling a little here, and I really need your help. Could you help me out, please?" This is the tzadekes problem all over again. We want to come off like we have it all covered, so we wait too long to ask for reasonable assistance. When you have a real need, you shouldn't have to nudge (in the sense of "noodge"). If you don't demand, you allow your partner to be gracious and give. If you don't let on you need help, he will naturally assume that you don't.
--
> I have come to realize that a lot of my anger and disappointment comes from unmet expectations. I expect that when he's home, which is only a few hours that we're awake and home at the same time (not including Shabbat), of course where we're together most of the day and I have similar expectations) he should be focused on my needs or my daughter's or the household.
I'll be having a fine day and will be busy preparing dinner so it will be ready when he gets home. He walks in the door and sits down to rest, maybe plays with our daughter but doesn't necessarily get her something if she asks, and at some point I turn into a sourpuss that he isn't helping get dinner on the table or taking over with whatever our daughter needs. Or with the Shabbat table, I expect that he has equal (or maybe even more so since I'm doing it all week and feel like it's a time to rest) responsibility to get bring the food, or get our daughter what she needs. He really often does, only when he doesn't it's hard for me.
>
--
See above. I have a friend who says, "Tzipiot, heim rak lakariyot." Which means: "Expectations (which are also pillowcases in Hebrew) are only for the pillows."
--
> The last thing for now, I know it's a lot, is again from the Surrendered Wife. he is an expert at "casting the bait". Which way is better to get to X (where he's driven a hundred times) Where's the lemon? Can I eat this? Can I learn now?" He is a very considerate person and wants to please, so he wouldn't want to take something to eat that might be saved for someone else. However, often there is more than enough of that food, and I always say yes. So when he baits me and I try to say "I don't know" or "Whatever you think," it tends to be from a place of irritation, or anger. In our dating, I had this issue with him that he would rarely take a stand about where to go or what to do. "Well what do you want to do? What do you think?" Here I am trying to give up control... (although not so graciously, and he won't take it.)
--
That's an important little point hiding in there. I'm not going to comment, but I will recommend that you mediate on your words for a bit. Something is very off there. All of this "not taking control" sounds like a very controlling way to change your husband. Consider this.
---
From spending time with his parents, I know he grew up in a household where all the cooking, down to preparing a sandwich, and most everything else was done for him and everything in exact order. And his mother ran the show. Also a European kind of politeness/humility, of asking to use something or take it, which is not my way of doing things. Most of the time, I'd rather he take whatever's in the fridge without asking and if I had been intending on eating it, I just assume that I'll find something else. There is always plenty around. So he's all the time with these questions about what to do or how to do a thing, and half the time I answer out of habit, and the other half I'm angry that he can't/won't "be a man" and figure it out himself.
>
> Reflecting on this, I need a lot of tefillah to Hashem to help with my anger and to have compassion, and patience and love for my husband. I also want to believe that the more I give up control the more he'll take. In the meantime I need to work on being quiet without it boiling up inside; to appreciate his caring nature and his desire to please; and take care of myself. Rest more, not over do it, so I have koah and patience for him when he is home.
>
> As always, I appreciate any feedback. Thanks again for all your help in the past. You truly are a wonderful mashpia. I gain a lot of chizuk from who you are and your teachings.
>
> Love and Blessings,
...
>
>
----
I see that at the end there you sort of figured out all by yourself that you need to have more understanding.
I was working with a kallah today, and I tried to explain to her that objective #1 during Shanah Rishonah is to learn how not to exploit the vulnerabilities of my partner that I begin to discover after we are married. Both you and your husband have vulnerabilities, weaknesses in other words, and it is your job not to exploit his, and his not to exploit yours. If you see that he is "handicapped" by certain aspects of his upbringing (which you must bear in mind, other women who come from his own culture might find perfectly appropriate and desirable), it is mainly because you are not an exact fit there. Over time, the rough edges that don't quite align will wear down, and you will fit better. This is the process of the marriage. He will adjust to you, and you will adjust to him.
Take care,
Yehudis
Shalom Bayis Q&A, part 1
Yehudis often gets calls and letters with questions about shalom bayis and chinuch. We have decided to begin to post (with permission, of course) some of these "conversations" in case they might be of benefit to others out there in the blogosphere. The questioner's words are prefaced by the right-arrows; Yehudis' answers appear between two rows of dotted lines.
> Dear Yehudis,
>
> I have Shalom Bayit questions and am exhausted now so, maybe I'll quickly ask: When am I to share my feelings that my husband is not giving me enough attention or doing enough around the house? He's off yeshiva for the week and he's spending the morning at home learning Torah, which I honor and at the same time, I had this idea we should be spending special time together. I guess I need to tell him that but am not sure how to do so without being accusatory, i.e. "Why don't you give me more attention?!" And of course I'm busy doing laundry, cleaning up, getting groceries , whatever, but it's hard for me to be in the same space together during bein hazemanim, (usually he's at yeshiva most of the day), and not somehow connecting more. I'm confused about giving him space to do what he needs to be fulfilled (i.e. learning Torah), and somehow wanting to feel fulfilled through him.
>
> Love and Blessings,
....
-------------------
Dear .....,
Well, that's a bundle of questions all wrapped up together.
You really telescoped a few very different matters into a single question, with I think not enough clarity about the difference between all of them.
1) You are resentful that he is there and not helping you more with the household.
2) You are not sure how to feel about him sitting and learning while you are running around taking care of business. You have this idea that you should automatically feel inspired, but you're not and that makes you feel like something's wrong; either between the two of you, or with your emunah.
3) You are feeling ignored, which is painful.
4) You are a little jealous that he gets to learn and that you are doing the wash!
5) You are unclear about the period of bein hazemanim. Is it time for a vacation? Going out for long walks? Schmoozing?
6) How are you supposed to express your emotional needs and perhaps your need or desire for assistance without being a nag?
I hope that I have it pretty much down, and here's my take on it:
I have a feeling that the two of you never discussed just what your ideas are about bein hazemanim. When I got married, the first bein hazemanim after the wedding was Nissan. I remember that on the first day, my husband looked at me across the table and said, "Bein hazemanim is a makah she'einah kesuvah baTorah, a plague that was never written about in the Torah." I didn't take that as a statement that he didn't want to spend time with me; I understood it the way he meant it--that it throws you off your stride, and it's an adjustment that is hard. And I could tell that it didn't have to do only with having the responsibility of helping me out to prepare for Pesach, but that it had always been difficult, even when he was just a bochur with barely any responsibilities of his own aside from learning.
I'm not big on doing too much talking and analysis, because I think that the men tend to get bulldozed by those conversations. In practical terms, though, you have a number of options.
1) Realize that your husband is probably trying very hard not to lose the flow of learning, the discipline of it, so that he will be able to return to yeshiva without having to struggle to get back his groove. What he has is yours too, so I would say that you should try for some compassion. Learn to ignore his presence and try and focus on the Torah vibe in the house. Most women have an easier time when their husbands are out learning than when they're home, because they mistakenly assume that if the man is home he ought to be at their service. It's simply not true. But I will admit that, as a wife, it is a very big challenge not to fall into that kind of thinking.
2) That said, if you really need help or you really need time together, it is important to get it across. Before you say anything, just look at your husband and think, "I married him for this, and this, and this good quality. He has all of those qualities and many more. He is a good guy who is not out to make my life difficult. If he knew that I felt badly, he would surely make an effort to help me or focus his attention on me." Then, when your heart is filled with love and positive thoughts, you can say, "I'm sorry to disturb your learning; I know it's very important. I was just wondering if, when you have a minute, you might be able to help me with something/you might be able to give me a little time, because I need you."
But, really, the best thing is to pretend he's not there when he doesn't want to be disturbed, and go about your business. Not resentfully, just think that he's in yeshiva and just like you wouldn't call him in the middle of seder to ask him to come home and take out the garbage, you wouldn't stop him at home unless it's an emergency.
3) Now, you might want to discuss the fact that you would like to work out that every bein hazemanim (not chol hamoed), you're thinking that it would be good for your marriage to take a day together. Then, you don't feel like you never got your special time, but it doesn't have to color the entire bein hazemanim. And if, one time, it doesn't work out, it's not a big deal. Because there's another bein hazemanim coming up in a few months anyway.
4) About feeling fulfilled... You aren't going to have the fulfillment if you are bearing a grudge. That has to be worked out--then you'll find that it's easier to feel good about him sitting and learning. Because you don't have this underlying expectation that he's going to be at your disposal. You know that he cannot do both at the same time.
On the flip side, the more your focus on the importance of the Torah, how good it is for your home to have Torah studied there, the easier it will be to let go of the resentment and the expectations. He's doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing. If you really need him, it will have to become understood between the two of you that he will help you. When your husband knows that you will only call on him when necessary, he will respond devotedly. At least, this is my experience.
Take care,
Yehudis
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Rebbe Nachman and the Philosophers--part 1
Some people are aware that Rebbe Nachman spoke out strongly against getting immersed in the study of philosophy, especially Jewish philosophy rooted in the Aristotelian worldview found in some of the works of the Rishonim. Unfortunately, many people misunderstand his position as just another form of anti-intellectualism. A closer examination of his work reveals that Rebbe Nachman's approach is really all about appreciating what one stands to lose by engaging in philosophical speculation, more than what is wrong about the content of the material itself. (I have to admit that he doesn't like much of the content either!)
So what could be so wrong with a work like the Moreh Nevuchim that Breslovers didn't even like to refer to it by name? They would call it the "Sefer Mem-Nun," as if even the word for the theologically confused could infect them with the same disease. But this really exposes the issue--it all has to do with seeing lack of emunah as a disease. If building a straightforward and loving relationship with G-d is the core of my Judaism, dwelling on questions for which I am almost certain to find no fully satisfying answer due to my human limitations, or cultivating an attitude of intellectual detachment in my effort to seem sophisticated or wise, is going to scuttle all my best efforts.
The following story illustrates the point well:
The Chofetz Chaim, zt”l, found his son, Reb Leib, zt”l, learning Moreh Nevuchim a number of times, and on each occasion he reprimanded his son, “This is not the way to true greatness.” Reb Leib didn’t argue, but when he was alone, he continued learning from the Rambam’s work. It was only when the Chofetz Chaim saw that rebuke alone wasn’t helping and took the sefer away that Reb Leib protested. “But I don’t understand what the problem is! The Rambam delved in philosophy, and who can compare to him? Chazal even tell us that Avraham Avinu came to belief in Hashem through philosophical speculation!”
The Chofetz Chaim replied, “You cannot construe Avraham Avinu as proof since he lived in a generation of idolaters and had to find his own way to true emunah. The Rambam also is no support for your study of chakirah because he wrote his book for those already influenced by the non-Jewish philosophers, for people who required help extricating themselves from the confusion such philosophies bring in their wake. This is the reason for the name of the work, the Moreh Nevuchim: Guide for the Perplexed.
The Chofetz Chaim continued, “But we are not perplexed! We know that Hashem appeared before the entire Jewish people at Mount Sinai and spoke to us! Why start from Aleph Beis? You can compare what you are going through to a child in his father’s arms. The father hugs and kisses his child and attends to all of his needs. If someone were to approach the child and ask, ‘Who is holding you?’ he would instantly respond, ‘My father.’ Any attempt to convince him otherwise would surely be futile. The child knows with his whole being that this is his father!”
The Chofetz Chaim concluded, “Woe to the child who still needs proof that the one who protects and cares for him so lovingly is his father! Even if you prove this to the child’s intellectual satisfaction, he will still not feel the natural bond of love which exists deep down between every child and parent. Unless this child gets in touch with his deepest feelings, he will always feel coldly toward his parent!”
Monday, October 8, 2007
Make a Rav for Yourself
This Shabbos, the Ribbono Shel Olam sent us a lot of guests and we enjoyed them immensely. During the afternoon meal, the conversation at the table was dominated by the question of what it means to become part of a community, how does a baal teshuvah find his or her place, and other questions of a spiritual nature. And one of our guests was very obviously in a dilemma about what her next move ought to be; she wanted direction, but she also seemed very set in her ideas about what would be right for her.
Later on in the day, when I had some time to myself, I realized that this is part of the meaning of the statement of the Sages in Pirkei Avos: "Asei lecha Rav..."--"Make a Rav, a master who'll be your teacher, for yourself." One would think that the Mishnah ought to say, "choose a Rav," or perhaps, "find a Rav," but it doesn't. It says to make your mentor. So it occurred to me that it is not the objective value of the potential teacher, what he has to teach, that makes him the Rav--it is my willingness to accept his marus, his authority, over me that invests another person with the power to guide my life. And if I am not willing to accept that authority, then I never truly have a Rav no matter how many lectures I attend or even how many questions I ask.
Just to complete the Mishnah, I'll bring a beautiful thought from Reb Nosson of Breslov, zt"l: "...U'knei lecha chaver..."--"Acquire a friend for yourself." Reb Nosson offers a play on words; knei in Hebrew can be the singular masculine command form "acquire!" but it also means, "a pen." He writes, and it's brought in the Milei d'Avos from Likutei Halachos I don't remember where, that your pen (or your keyboard) is your true friend. Use the pen, use writing as a tool to develop your Torah thoughts, your prayers, your connection with other people by offering them chizuk, encouragement.
May we all merit to enjoy a gezunte vinter, a healthy winter, and a good year.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
The Spirit of the Law--Sukkos part 1
Hilchos Sukkah 134:1-2
1. “…It is a mitzvah incumbent on each person to exert himself personally to build his own sukkah and place the s’chach on it. Even if he is a distinguished person, he should not feel that this is beneath his dignity since performing the mitzvah of sukkah himself is a great honor…”
Building a sukkah must be done not only on a physical level but on a spiritual level as well, and the main way to accomplish this is through prayer. Rebbe Nachman teaches that we should pray for even the most minor-seeming physical need, and we should certainly pray to attain our far more important spiritual goals. There are really two main ways in which we engage in prayer: one is most accessible when we don’t have emotional energy and are in a “down” phase, while the second is more appropriate for when we are feeling spiritually healthy and “up.”
What is the first path like? Once, on the first night of Sukkos, Rav Nachman of Tulchin remarked to his mentor, Reb Nosson of Breslov, zt”l, “After working so hard today to build the sukkah, I feel able to taste much more of the holiness of the sukkah!”
Reb Nosson responded, “However, you still haven’t tried to cry out to Hashem the whole day, ‘Ribbono shel olam! Master of the universe! Please give me a taste of the true holiness of the Sukkah!’ Imagine what kind of taste in the mitzvah of sukkah you would be feeling after such a prayer!”[1] So the first way is to keep pleading with Hashem as much as I can: “Please give me a taste of the holiness of Sukkos!”
But the tool of prayer becomes so much more powerful when we learn more deeply about the meaning of the mitzvah, and then transform what we have learned into prayer. As Rebbe Nachman taught, this transformation generates the most lofty sha’ashuim, pleasure and joy, on High. To help us open our minds to the deeper levels inherent in the mitzvah, let’s contemplate a lesson from Likutei Halachos…
Reb Nosson explains that one of the purposes of sukkah is to internalize the imminence of Hashem even when we feel very distant from spirituality. This is why we are obligated to eat and sleep in our sukkah. (Admittedly, the custom is not to sleep in the sukkah outside of Israel for a variety of reasons. It is important to note however that a number of great Rabbonim and Tzaddikim slept in their Sukkos regardless. One luminary who slept in his sukkah regardless of the weather or the presence of hostile non-Jews was the Vilna Gaon). Now, as we all know, how we eat and how much we eat (or overeat!) is one of the main causes of our feeling distant from Hashem. Similarly, when we sleep, we are experiencing a mini-death, one that usually, and unfortunately, can make us feel further from Hashem as well. It is only a very unusual person who will feel connected to Hashem while eating and sleeping. Since the sukkah is a living space almost always far more vulnerable than our usual home, eating and sleeping in it is meant to help us feel greater closeness to Hashem while we are engaged in the mundane world and at our most vulnerable. It is this very vulnerability that underscores our great dependence on Hashem, our need to rely on Him and trust in His protection. While dwelling in the ‘shade of faith’ (tzilah d’meheimenusa, as the Zohar Hakadosh writes), our sukkos elevate the acts that cause us to feel distant from Hashem by their very nature.[2]
Many say that the Torah of Ishbitz and the teachings of Rav Tzaddok HaKohen, zt”l, are a kind of continuation of the concepts found in Likutei Halachos, and so it seems that a little interjection of the Ishbitzer Rebbe, zt”l, wouldn’t be out of place here…
The Mei Hashiloach, zt”l, explains that the true meaning of the mitzvah of sukkah is to, “…leave one’s permanent dwelling and reside in a temporary one.” We must leave behind our natural tendency to think that the physical world is an independent and fixed reality and realize instead that it is just a transient mask that conceals Hashem’s presence. This is not a mere intellectual exercise; we must feel that each new moment of existence for every single creation emanates directly from Hashem. This is the foundation of all Divine service.
During his younger years, the Beis Halevi, zt”l, learned in a designated room in his father-in-law’s house. His father-in-law, a chossid of Rav Moshe of Kovrin, zt”l, had agreed at the beginning of their relationship that he would never disturb his son-in-law’s study for any reason whatsoever.
Once, Rav Moshe came to visit at his follower’s home. Although the Beis Halevi’s father-in-law wanted his Rebbe to meet his son-in-law, he couldn’t see how it would be possible to introduce them since this would mean interrupting the Beis Halevi’s constant study. On the day his Rebbe was going to leave, Rav Moshe finally had an idea. He couldn’t interrupt his son-in law…but someone else could! When he noticed that the Beis Halevi had left his room for a moment, he placed Rav Moshe’s luggage inside.
When the Beis Halevi returned and resumed his study, the Rebbe knocked at the door. “What do you want?” the Beis Halevi asked.
“My bags are here. May I come in?”
The Beis Halevi was just then learning the final section of Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim. Rav Moshe asked, “What about the first subsection? Do you manage to fulfill it?”
The Beis Halevi answered, “I work on ‘shivisi Hashem linegdi samid’ (‘I will place Hashem before me always’) fifteen times a day. But I’m always troubled that although the Ramoh says that imagining being in the all-knowing presence of the King immediately fills a person with fear, it takes me time to feel it.”
The Rebbe explained, “That is because you are thinking with your head. Fear of heaven resides in one’s heart, and it takes time to reach from your head to your heart. That’s why the Ramoh says to, ‘…place it on his heart’—not on his head!’”
2. “…Regarding the walls of a sukkah, there are many complicated halachos which not everyone knows… For this reason, it is better to make a four-walled sukkah. If one can’t afford this, he should at least make a sukkah of three full walls…”
At the beginning of Maseches Sukkah, the Gemara teaches that one must have at least two walls and a tefach (handsbreadth) of a third wall that are at least ten tefachim high, and not higher than twenty amos (cubits). Since there are many complexities regarding how to arrange the walls, it is best to have at least three full walls. (It is even better to have four walls so that the wind should not shake the sukkah or extinguish the Yom Tov candles, as the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch explains here.)
Two full walls and a third wall of a tefach width has a very special spiritual significance. The Arizal explains that in the verse, “His left arm is below my head, and His right arm embraces me,” (Shir HaShirim 2:6) the left alludes to the attribute of justice, and the right alludes to the attribute of mercy. This is why “the left arm” represents the Yomim Noraim, the season of judgment. Conversely, “the right arm” represents Sukkos, the embodiment of Hashem’s loving protection. We can see this love in the halachic parameters of a sukkah. While sitting within it, we dwell in the loving embrace of the Divine Presence. As we see from the Gemara, the Torah requires two proper walls while the third can have a width as small as a tefach. The two walls symbolize the upper segment of the arm and the forearm, and the remaining tefach represents the hand. This loving embrace is extended to every Jew, for Hashem’s “right arm” is always extended to accept the sincere repentance of any Jew, no matter what he or she might have done. Many gedolei Yisroel adopt a similarly forgiving attitude toward their fellow Jews, choosing to overlook their flaws and focus instead on the fact that we are all Hashem’s children, and all beloved to Him.
Rav Chaim Brim, zt”l, recounted that the Belzer Rebbe, Rav Aharon Rokeach, zt”l, was once walking on Shabbos with his gabbai when they suddenly ran into a group of Jewish men, women, and children. The people were singing as they strolled, and as they passed, the Rebbe turned to his gabbai to forestall any comments. “Hush! Don’t say anything to them—they must be singing because they are enjoying the holy Shabbos.” Rav Chaim explained, “Now, if they really meant to rejoice in the holiness of Shabbos, why didn’t the gabbai see this himself? The truth is that their singing had nothing to do with kedushah at all. But the Belzer Rebbe could only see the good in other Jews. He silenced the gabbai because he didn’t want this spoiled by the other man’s interpretation of their behavior. He also meant to say, “Don’t say a word, they don’t know any better. How can you judge them? On the contrary—say as much good about them as possible!”
Your Dream Sukkah
Your Dream Sukkah
Seeing as it's Sukkos, I'm going to preface Micha's writing with an observation. I have a friend, an American, who has been married to an Englishman for years. Something some of you may have noticed is that many Orthodox Jews, particularly those living in Israel, choose to decorate their sukkos with the kinds of glittery and flashing accoutrements that those of us who grew up in the U.S. associate with a distinctly non-Jewish festival that tends to fall out around Chanukah time.
So, like my friend, some of us thought that perhaps the ideal kind of decor would be along the lines of the earthy-woodsy harvest sort of theme. Which rankles those Orthodox Jews who grew up in Europe, where the winter-fest decorations are more in the holly-mistletoe-red berries on the green vine theme.
Which meant that what my friend found "too goyish" was her husband's Jewish ideal, and what he found annoyingly familiar was her Martha Stewart dream sukkah. So perhaps the Chabad custom of just decorating the sukkah as you would your own home is starting to make more sense... Move out your better furnishings, hang some paintings, put down the Kilim, and enjoy the atmosphere. However you choose to decorate, Moadim l'simcha!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Shabbos and Breslov, Part II
Here is the second installation of The Spirit of the Law--Shabbos. Moadim L'Simchah!
p.s. If there is anyone out there who would like to help Micha edit his writing so that it can be uploaded, you would be doing him a great kindness. Of course, it takes time and energy, but it is also Torah study. We can't afford to pay anyone, and Yehudis is too busy with work...
Shabbat and Breslov, Part II
By Rabbi Golshevsky
Last week we learned that keeping the Shabbat demonstrates our emuna, and therefore we can understand why observing the Shabbat is compared to fulfilling the entire Torah. The purpose of Torah is to bring a person to emunah, as the Gemara states: “Chavakuk came and condensed the Torah into one Commandment: emuna, as it states, 'Tzaddik b'emunato yichyeh,' 'A Tzaddik lives by his emuna'" (Makot).
According to the Medrash, the Jewish people will be redeemed in the merit of their emuna in Hashem. Everything boils down to emuna. Rebbi Nachman explains the verse "Vayehi yadav emunah," "His hands are emuna" to mean that one's actions are an expression of one's emuna.
The Shulchan Hamevuar learns from the Ohr Hachaim Hakadosh that keeping Shabbat will cause a person to have true emunah and as a result, he will repent for his sins and fulfill the entire Torah. Therefore, when a Jew keeps the Shabbat, it's as if he is keeping the entire Torah. The bond that the person who wants closeness to Hashem achieves on Shabbat will impel him to fulfill the entire Torah.
A person who profanes Shabbat in public falls into the category of an idolater with all its accompanying halachic ramifications. (It is important, however, to realize that this is referring to someone who was raised in a Torah-true environment, and the exact definition of that is ambiguous. Each case must be judged separately.)
A baal teshuva from a virulently anti-Semitic Kibbutz was influenced by the following words of Rebbe Nachman to become religious: “The world says: ‘If one eats pig, he should at least let the fat rest on his beard so that other people will not be fooled by him’. I say, 'If one eats pig, he should not let the fat rest on his beard. He should clean it up.'” This kibbutznik began following Rebbe Nachman's advice and tried to do whatever he could, even if it meant cleaning the fat off of his beard, to improve himself, until he finally became completely observant.
The Lev Eliyahu, zt”l, writes that even if two people do the same sin, there is a vast difference between the one who feels regret and the one who does not feel regret. Hashem does not deny the reward for any good deed. Even one who has regrets the bad he has done is rewarded for these feelings of regret. Feelings of regret show that a person's sin was done without thinking (without daat). But if a person does not regret having sinned, it shows a fault in that person's thought process. He is incapable of seeing where he went wrong.
An example of this is a well-known story that happened years ago in
The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch continues: "…Anyone who keeps the laws of Shabbat is rewarded in this world and the next as we find in the words of the Prophet…"
On these words, the Zer Zahav, (Kamarna) brings the Gemara that says that anyone who takes pleasure in the Shabbat is saved from the war of Gog and Magog. The Baal Shem Tov, zt”l, said that no punishment can befall a person who has true trust in Hashem. We learned last week that Shabbat brings a person to emuna, and emuna brings a person to trust in Hashem (Sefer Hamidot). Therefore a person is rewarded in this world for keeping the Shabbat, since Shabbat observance causes a person to have trust in Hashem, and a person with true trust in Hashem is joyful. After all, if I trust in Hashem as a loving Father, why should I be sad? If I fully trust in Hashem, I cannot be full of myself!
The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch continues, "One who sees a delicacy that will not spoil, should save it for Shabbat. On Erev Shabbat we should awaken early to purchase our Shabbat needs. It is better to purchase these needs on Erev Shabbat than on Thursday" (the Mishna Brura writes that if for some reason a person can only purchase what he needs for Shabbat on Thursday, he should purchase it on Thursday rather than wait until Friday).
In Alim Literufa (letter 251) Reb Nosson, zt”l, writes “The most important thing is to start fresh from Shabbat. In truth we must begin anew every single day. How much more is this true about Shabbat which is the source of vitality for the entire week! Shabbat is a day of teshuva, love and joy amidst our enjoyment of the Shabbat delicacies etc. …Everyone knows how truly distant he is from the holiness of Shabbat. However, despite being distant, each person has the holiness of Shabbat drawn upon him according to the good within him. Although this is invariably true, we still must prepare ourselves to receive the holiness of Shabbat. The main preparation for Shabbat is the desire to remember the (deep significance of) Shabbat every single day, especially on Thursday when all Jews are physically getting ready for the holy day, by running to purchase flour and meat etc. Who can grasp the illumination in the heart (of one remembers and focuses on this fact), of the incredible pleasure this gives our Creator and the rectification it makes in all the worlds! Through Hashem’s help, this is something that every Jew (who prepares for Shabbat) merits! We are very fortunate to have merited this precious and wonderful gift of Shabbat, which was secreted in the vaults of the Almighty! We must prepare for Shabbat with great joy and without sophistication. But we must remember that the main preparation (for the Shabbat) is to prepare our hearts and consider how we can merit to the holiness of Shabbat and beg Hashem for a taste of this. I thank Hashem that I was able to mention the holiness of Shabbat which is the root and source of all holiness! I have much to say about this. The main thing is to strengthen ourselves and petition the Creator for to grant us the privilege of receiving the Shabbat with joy, love, and good will. At the very least, we should distance ourselves on Shabbat from anguish, depression or worry especially worries about making a living. Through this may we merit to draw the holiness of Shabbat into the week, so that we can fortify ourselves with a strong trust in Hashem at all times and take tremendous joy in all our good points through the lesson of Azamra (looking for the good in everything). Everything I have written here is enough to give you vitality every day of your whole life! The holy Shabbat is a method of dealing with any problem one is confronted with his whole life long. …One must stand with (connect to) the holy Shabbat and this will nullify his troubles."
The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch continues: Each Jew is required to do something himself to prepare for Shabbat. Even if a person has fulltime household help, he or she must personally take some action to prepare for Shabbat. Rav Chisda, for example, would slice vegetables. Since it's a tremendous privilege to prepare for Shabbat, a person should never say, “It's not fitting for me to do such menial work."
The Mekor Chaim, zt”l, explains that on
When we prepare for Shabbat, we should do so with the intention of correcting this flaw by returning to the level of “naase vinishma.” In addition, we should have in mind our desire to overcome our bad inclinations through making the effort to do something to prepare for the Shabbat. This means that when a person prepares for Shabbat he should do so with the intention of preparing himself in this world to inherit his portion in Gan Eden.
Rebbi Nachman writes that there is an eternal reward for each and every good deed. Everyone, Jew and non-Jew, is rewarded for their good deeds. The only exception is Amalek, because even their seemingly good deeds are not sincere, and for that reason they will ultimately be destroyed.
Monday, September 24, 2007
The Exchanged Children
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For those who haven't seen it yet, we recommend Rabbi Erez Moshe Doron's commentary on Rebbe Nachman's story, "The Exchanged Children." The English version was published by Breslov Research Institute, and can be purchased here. Of course, we're a little bit biased because Yehudis was the translator, and she says that she needs the zechus of having as many people as possible read it. We're not talking about financial compensation here, either.
Enjoy, let us know what you thought.
The Spirit of the Law -- Shabbos part 1
Here's an offering from Micha to draw you deeper into the beauty and power of Shabbos. It's also online at breslovworld.com, but it's really hidden deep in the archives over there. Micha will be posting with new pieces from time to time from his wonderful and dearly beloved project on the inspiration that he finds in the Shulchan Aruch.
We'll be posting soon on the main source for that project, the incomparable Likutei Halachos of Reb Nosson of Breslov, zt"l.
For now, here's the first installation of The Spirit of the Law -- Shabbos, part 1. (For the Ashkenazim among us who prefer their traditional havarah, take it easy. The kind person who did the editing for Micha chose havarah Sepharadit for the website where it was originally published. No time to change it back...no need either. Eilu v'eilu.)
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Shabbat and Breslov
By Rabbi Golshevsky
The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch states (72:1), “Shabbat is the foundation of emunah. Whoever observes the laws of Shabbat, it is as if he observed the entire Torah. Whoever violates the Shabbat it is as if he transgressed the entire Torah.”
The Arizal writes that each Shabbat the innermost essence of our neshama –- our soul -- is elevated level by level until we reach the same level as Adam HaRishon (Adam, the first man) before he ate from the Tree of Knowledge.[1]
Shabbat parallels the Next World. Just as labor is prohibited on Shabbat, so too will work becomes superfluous in the World to Come. In this world, most people must work during the six days of the week. Why? Because this is a material, physical world, and that fact is the major challenge facing us in our quest to becoming truly connected to Hashem.
But why is it so difficult to correct our faults and focus on the spiritual? The Ramchal, zt”l, explains that that's the way it is supposed to be! Our purpose in this world is to change the negative into positive. That is what we are here for, and for that reason each of us was born with our own individual, tailor-made, challenges. This holds true for both our inner flaws as well as the many difficulties we face in day to day living.[2]
Most people, for example, need money to purchase the things they need, and therefore they need to work to earn that money. When we work to earn a living, we are presented with the difficult challenge of constantly remembering that we were created for a much higher purpose than simply earning a living. It is extremely difficult to overcome our natural tendency to think that we are running the show, that our accomplishments are a result of our talents and efforts. We tend to feel as if we don’t need Hashem; we just need an even break. But the truth is that everything we have –- our paychecks, our homes, our families and loved ones -- is solely a result of Hashem’s blessing!
Remembering and internalizing that knowledge – that although we need to put in our effort, everything we have is really a result of Hashem's blessing – is a major challenge to our avodat Hashem, our Divine Service. (On the other hand, a person who has no need to work to earn a living has a different challenge – to overcome the natural tendency to become idle or arrogant from an abundance of money.)
Reb Nosson, zt”l, explains that one reason why we must work during the week is to rectify our emunah, our faith.[3] One would think that if a person is very spiritual and is living with his emuna, he should not have work! After all, hasn't he already made his tikkun? Yet the reality is often the opposite: People who live their emuna tend to have financial difficulties.
Why is this so? Rebbe Nachman taught that this is an expression of a concept that appears in the writings of the Arizal. In Rebbe Nachman’s teachings, it is called the "Heichal Hatmuros," or the "Chamber of Exchange."[4] In Kohelet, Shlomo HaMelech (King Solomon) writes that he has seen princes walking and slaves riding. In other words, he has seen good guys suffering, while the bad guys seem to have it good.
When the Jews built the Mishkan (Tabernacle) in the Midbar (desert) they were repairing the damage caused by the sin of the Golden Calf. They were using mundane activities to create a House for Hashem! So too, when we go about our mundane activities with a true awareness of Hashem’s loving Presence, we are also building a House for Hashem!
On Shabbat, however, work is prohibited. On Shabbat we were commanded to refrain from building the Mishkan – from mundane activities which are done with a true awareness of Hashem's loving Presence. Throughout the entire week we struggle to bring Hashem’s Presence into our labors. On Shabbat, however, the inner dimension of our soul is elevated to astounding heights. All our accomplishments attain completion on Shabbat. How? Through emuna, and emuna is revealed on Shabbat.
On Shabbat we express our emuna through refraining from the 39 types of labor used build the Mishkan. As a result of tangibly demonstrating our emuna by refraining from work, we attain completion. The Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh, zt”l, writes that it is only in the merit of refraining from labor on Shabbat that the following six new weekdays are created.[5]
For this reason, throughout history there was always at least one person keeping the holy Shabbat (On a simple level this refers to Adam, Mesushelach, Noach, Shem and Avraham. On a deeper level, Rav Tzadok HaKohain in Pri Tzadik explains this to mean that throughout history there has always been at least one person who truly connects to the deep emunah which can be accessed from within our innermost selves on Shabbat).[6]
Since Shabbat is the ultimate day of emunah, which represents the Next World, we cannot work on the Shabbat. When a person works on Shabbat, it's as if he's saying that there is no spiritual completion in the innermost depths of his soul. He's rejecting the gift of Shabbat and by doing so, he's denying his belief in the Torah.
To be continued…
[1] Note that the Arizal teaches that the outer aspects of our neshamot do not reach such lofty heights. From Siddur HaAri Rav Shabbtai (a student of the Baal Shem Tov) in the beginning of Shabbat, subsection entitled “Kavannat Shabbat B’chlalut.” (Regular edition, Part II, p. 50a. New edition on Shabbat, p. 15-16.) See also Pri Tzaddik, Parshat Matot #12.
[2] See Ramchal in Adir Bamarom p. 393, and in “Kalach” (138) Pitchei Chochmah, #49 (p. 180). This is a very broad topic in the Ramchal. For further study, see Daat Tevunot of Mechon HaRamchal, p. 168-180.
[3] This concept is based on Reb Nosson’s Likutei Halachot, Hilchot Shabbat #4.
[4] The story of the Exchanged Children (tale #10), Likutei Moharan I:24:8, Chayay Moharan 15d #2; Likutei Halachot Birchot Hashachar 3:2. This concept is explained at great length in Likutei Halachot. (See Rabbi Nachman’s Stories as published by Breslov Research Institute, edited and annotated by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, zt”l, p. 232-235. (For a further allusion in the writings of the Arizal, see Shaar Hakavanot, Inyan Kavanot Ha’Amida, #6, “al hatsadikim.”)
[5] Ohr Hachaim Hakadosh, Breishiit 2:3.
[6] Based on Pri Tzaddik, Parshat Shmini #1. But see Pri Tzaddik on Shmini Atzeret #44 where he disagrees with the Ohr Hachaim Hakadosh for the same reason that he defends him in Shmini.
We're On
After years of procrastinating, dilly-dallying, outright refusal because who has the time, we've finally decided to just jump in amd start posting lessons and musings for anyone who is interested out there in the universe. Those who have been asking us to do this for a while know just who you are.
That said, with Sukkos nearly upon us, it's time to get inspired.
A few years back, Yehudis was the translator of Rabbi Eliezer Berland's lessons and prayers for the holidays for Shuvu Bonim. Get a taste of them here and walk the path of inspiration from the Yomim Noraim through Simchas Torah...
