Shalom Bayis--a caveat

A comment was submitted that the last two postings on Shalom Bayis were also helpful for husbands. Although I agree that when you help the wives, you're helping the husbands too, there is an important distinction to be made.
In my community, the Rav always spoke in the shiurim to the men about the need to appreciate their wives, to help, to pay attention to their wives, and so on. And the Rebbetzin always spoke about how important it is to let the men learn and pray, not to always be throwing on them these burdens of the household if possible, etc.
Which can, and has, lead to the unfortunate problem of women coming to their husbands with kashrus-approved resentments, "Why don't you listen to the Rav? Why don't you help out more?" And the husbands might answer in the same vein, "Don't you know that I have more important things to do than do the floors for you? Why don't you understand that my learning is worth something?"
The wise person is always seeking to hear the words of mussar that apply to him or her, not to the other. If we want to achieve shalom bayis, we need to seek out the chizuk that applies to ourselves and our own challenges, not further ammunition to take the moral inventory of our partner.
Which I'm sure wasn't Yitz's intention with his comment, but I just thought it only right to mention.

Shalom Bayis Q&A, part 2

A continuation of the conversation about the issues that came up in the first installment...

> Dear Yehudis,
>
> Shavua Tov! I wanted to ask a few more questions about Shalom Bayit.
>
I have to start by saying that my husband is a very warm, caring, partner with yirat shamayim (he even usually does whatever dishes are left at night); a fun, responsible, and caring father, and a good Jew. I have been particularly emotional lately and am focusing a lot of anger, disappointment, frustration on him.

--
Yes, it sounds like it. You have to take account of the fact that your hormones are working overtime because you are pregnant. This tends to pass.
---

> He just got Rav Arush's book on Shalom Bayit, so that could help.
>
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How about your, yourself, reading B'Gan HaEmunah by Rav Arush?
---

> I hope none of this is Lashon haRa. I am writing it for the purpose of coming to a higher place in Shalom Bayit, and am sharing it with you b/c I trust that you will give him the benefit of the doubt and know that he is a beautiful neshama. Please let me know if any of it is inappropriate or if there is a better way of communicating.

---
I am anyway not accepting anything you say as the "truth" of the situation, rather as the expression of your take on it and your own feelings. The Chofetz Chayim teaches that you are permitted to speak out your heart to a confidante provided that it is understood on both ends that you aren't out to badmouth anyone, and I'm not out to hear anyone maligned. Which is true in our case.
---

>
> I'm rereading the Surrendered Wife and feel in some ways that I'm making progress and in some ways confused about some of the messages.

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The book is not Toras Moshe M'Sinai. It's helpful, I don't agree with all of it, but she makes many important points that often get lost.
---

> A lot of these questions are based on premises from the book. During Bein hazmanim, I shared with you some of my challenges around not feeling like I was getting enough attention from my husband. One of the claims in the book, is that if he is spending a lot of time doing something else, it could be to avoid your controlling, nagging, etc. The examples she gives is him watching TV, overworking. . . this is the "havdil of havdalot" from Torah learning, which is what my husband spends the majority of his time doing. So how to relate? I was very angry thinking that somehow this was to avoid me, and still not so shaleym that he chose it over me. Of course when I mentioned I thought we might spend some time together, he was more than willing to make the space. I guess I'm expecting too much to want that to come from his own initiative. At the same time, I was able to whole-heartedly thank him for bringing Torah learning into the home, and not disturb him while he was learning, which took a lot of self-control.
>

---
Okay. First of all, like I tried to point out before, you are in a bind. Because you would like to have two things that are incompatible, and you also don't like feeling like a nag. It seems obvious that you cannot both have his attention and time and also get to feel like a bit of a tzadekes for letting him learn. It's one or the other. My recommendation would be to get out of both mentalities if possible. Meaning, that you clarify just how much of your need for attention is genuine and how much is a mental projection of what you think ought to be "magiah lach"--coming to you. Because, it's natural that we develop these mental pictures of what is supposed to be, and when we are operating from the level of fantasy, it can mess up our reality. Put it this way; a woman can get into a deep resentment about her husband not doing the dishes, not because they ever spoke about it and he promised and reneged, or because he put up a fuss and outright refused, but simply because she *assumed* that he would pick up on the fact that he *ought to* volunteer. It's also natural that his assumptions about what is the norm, what the wife will normally want or expect, has been shaped by his own upbringing, and unless it is either brought out into the open or acceded to, it's going to create a problem.
The other mentality is the business of being a tzadekes. Now, I think that it's probably nice to be a tzadekes (not that I have any first-hand knowledge), but my impression as an outsider to tzidkus is that it is not characterized by resentment and stewing in silence or rage.
So, you have to make some decision inside yourself about your relationship with Torah study and your real, not your fantasy, real-life support of Torah study. Do you love the Torah enough to let your husband sit and learn? Do not assume (like perhaps you read in Surrendered Wife) that it's avoidance. Chas v'shalom! Hopefully, it is real ahavas haTorah you see under your nose. And considering that your husband is a good Jew who also loves you, it is safe to assume that it is not avoidance. Learning is challenging, and most men would rather shoot the breeze with their wives than learn if it's a burden to them. It's not like watching TV or reading a novel or fooling with a computer.
So he's learning. Great! Now you get to see where you are holding in your love of learning. Maybe you are finding that you don't love the Torah quite as much as you thought! I will admit from experience that this can be disillusioning. Even so, the feelings highlight the place that needs work.
--

> Another issue I am having that I mentioned before, is the balance of not controlling, i.e. telling him what to do (which he is usually willing to do when I ask), and then not being resentful that I'm doing it myself when I restrain myself from asking.
> The book claims that this will pass as he gains confidence and desire to please you, he will pick up the slack. In the meantime, I feel like the more I do, the less he does. At some point I just shut down and get angry. (An example: I was cooking for Shabbat, setting the table, preparing the food,getting our daughter ready, bringing the food, and clearing the table.) By seuda shlishit, I was feeling very exhausted and unable to do anything so of course, he did all of those things for the seuda. I very much appreciate when he does it and do let him know, however it feels like it happens more from a place of my being angry or shutting down so that he is forced to do it.

--
I tend to go along with the theory, "Mistome, you married a good guy who is out to make you happy. So why are you not letting him know that you're flailing?"
It's like the husband is on the shore, and the wife is swimming and she gets a cramp. And she's very stoic, so she's rubbing the leg, and all the while he sees her way out there and is thinking, "Oh, she's great. What a swimmer! And she's so lovely, and I can't believe she's mine." Meanwhile, the wife massages out the cramp, nearly drowns, and eventually makes her painful way back to shore. Where she immediately laces into her husband, "I could have drowned out there! Didn't you see I was in trouble?! Why didn't you swim out to help me?! You ****!" And so on. You get the picture.
So it's easy to say, "Lady, why didn't you raise you hand out of the water and send a signal?"
Send a signal.
Don't wait until you're overwhelmed and angry. Just let him know, without recriminations and with trust in his innate goodness and love for you, "I've put out a lot of energy making Shabbos, and I think I'm finished. I'm struggling a little here, and I really need your help. Could you help me out, please?" This is the tzadekes problem all over again. We want to come off like we have it all covered, so we wait too long to ask for reasonable assistance. When you have a real need, you shouldn't have to nudge (in the sense of "noodge"). If you don't demand, you allow your partner to be gracious and give. If you don't let on you need help, he will naturally assume that you don't.
--

> I have come to realize that a lot of my anger and disappointment comes from unmet expectations. I expect that when he's home, which is only a few hours that we're awake and home at the same time (not including Shabbat), of course where we're together most of the day and I have similar expectations) he should be focused on my needs or my daughter's or the household.

I'll be having a fine day and will be busy preparing dinner so it will be ready when he gets home. He walks in the door and sits down to rest, maybe plays with our daughter but doesn't necessarily get her something if she asks, and at some point I turn into a sourpuss that he isn't helping get dinner on the table or taking over with whatever our daughter needs. Or with the Shabbat table, I expect that he has equal (or maybe even more so since I'm doing it all week and feel like it's a time to rest) responsibility to get bring the food, or get our daughter what she needs. He really often does, only when he doesn't it's hard for me.
>

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See above. I have a friend who says, "Tzipiot, heim rak lakariyot." Which means: "Expectations (which are also pillowcases in Hebrew) are only for the pillows."
--

> The last thing for now, I know it's a lot, is again from the Surrendered Wife. he is an expert at "casting the bait". Which way is better to get to X (where he's driven a hundred times) Where's the lemon? Can I eat this? Can I learn now?" He is a very considerate person and wants to please, so he wouldn't want to take something to eat that might be saved for someone else. However, often there is more than enough of that food, and I always say yes. So when he baits me and I try to say "I don't know" or "Whatever you think," it tends to be from a place of irritation, or anger. In our dating, I had this issue with him that he would rarely take a stand about where to go or what to do. "Well what do you want to do? What do you think?" Here I am trying to give up control... (although not so graciously, and he won't take it.)

--
That's an important little point hiding in there. I'm not going to comment, but I will recommend that you mediate on your words for a bit. Something is very off there. All of this "not taking control" sounds like a very controlling way to change your husband. Consider this.
---

From spending time with his parents, I know he grew up in a household where all the cooking, down to preparing a sandwich, and most everything else was done for him and everything in exact order. And his mother ran the show. Also a European kind of politeness/humility, of asking to use something or take it, which is not my way of doing things. Most of the time, I'd rather he take whatever's in the fridge without asking and if I had been intending on eating it, I just assume that I'll find something else. There is always plenty around. So he's all the time with these questions about what to do or how to do a thing, and half the time I answer out of habit, and the other half I'm angry that he can't/won't "be a man" and figure it out himself.
>
> Reflecting on this, I need a lot of tefillah to Hashem to help with my anger and to have compassion, and patience and love for my husband. I also want to believe that the more I give up control the more he'll take. In the meantime I need to work on being quiet without it boiling up inside; to appreciate his caring nature and his desire to please; and take care of myself. Rest more, not over do it, so I have koah and patience for him when he is home.
>
> As always, I appreciate any feedback. Thanks again for all your help in the past. You truly are a wonderful mashpia. I gain a lot of chizuk from who you are and your teachings.
>
> Love and Blessings,
...
>
>
----
I see that at the end there you sort of figured out all by yourself that you need to have more understanding.
I was working with a kallah today, and I tried to explain to her that objective #1 during Shanah Rishonah is to learn how not to exploit the vulnerabilities of my partner that I begin to discover after we are married. Both you and your husband have vulnerabilities, weaknesses in other words, and it is your job not to exploit his, and his not to exploit yours. If you see that he is "handicapped" by certain aspects of his upbringing (which you must bear in mind, other women who come from his own culture might find perfectly appropriate and desirable), it is mainly because you are not an exact fit there. Over time, the rough edges that don't quite align will wear down, and you will fit better. This is the process of the marriage. He will adjust to you, and you will adjust to him.
Take care,
Yehudis

Shalom Bayis Q&A, part 1

Yehudis often gets calls and letters with questions about shalom bayis and chinuch. We have decided to begin to post (with permission, of course) some of these "conversations" in case they might be of benefit to others out there in the blogosphere. The questioner's words are prefaced by the right-arrows; Yehudis' answers appear between two rows of dotted lines.


> Dear Yehudis,

>
> I have Shalom Bayit questions and am exhausted now so, maybe I'll quickly ask: When am I to share my feelings that my husband is not giving me enough attention or doing enough around the house? He's off yeshiva for the week and he's spending the morning at home learning Torah, which I honor and at the same time, I had this idea we should be spending special time together. I guess I need to tell him that but am not sure how to do so without being accusatory, i.e. "Why don't you give me more attention?!" And of course I'm busy doing laundry, cleaning up, getting groceries , whatever, but it's hard for me to be in the same space together during bein hazemanim, (usually he's at yeshiva most of the day), and not somehow connecting more. I'm confused about giving him space to do what he needs to be fulfilled (i.e. learning Torah), and somehow wanting to feel fulfilled through him.
>

> Love and Blessings,

....

-------------------

Dear .....,
Well, that's a bundle of questions all wrapped up together.
You really telescoped a few very different matters into a single question, with I think not enough clarity about the difference between all of them.
1) You are resentful that he is there and not helping you more with the household.
2) You are not sure how to feel about him sitting and learning while you are running around taking care of business. You have this idea that you should automatically feel inspired, but you're not and that makes you feel like something's wrong; either between the two of you, or with your emunah.
3) You are feeling ignored, which is painful.
4) You are a little jealous that he gets to learn and that you are doing the wash!
5) You are unclear about the period of bein hazemanim. Is it time for a vacation? Going out for long walks? Schmoozing?
6) How are you supposed to express your emotional needs and perhaps your need or desire for assistance without being a nag?

I hope that I have it pretty much down, and here's my take on it:
I have a feeling that the two of you never discussed just what your ideas are about bein hazemanim. When I got married, the first bein hazemanim after the wedding was Nissan. I remember that on the first day, my husband looked at me across the table and said, "Bein hazemanim is a makah she'einah kesuvah baTorah, a plague that was never written about in the Torah." I didn't take that as a statement that he didn't want to spend time with me; I understood it the way he meant it--that it throws you off your stride, and it's an adjustment that is hard. And I could tell that it didn't have to do only with having the responsibility of helping me out to prepare for Pesach, but that it had always been difficult, even when he was just a bochur with barely any responsibilities of his own aside from learning.
I'm not big on doing too much talking and analysis, because I think that the men tend to get bulldozed by those conversations. In practical terms, though, you have a number of options.

1) Realize that your husband is probably trying very hard not to lose the flow of learning, the discipline of it, so that he will be able to return to yeshiva without having to struggle to get back his groove. What he has is yours too, so I would say that you should try for some compassion. Learn to ignore his presence and try and focus on the Torah vibe in the house. Most women have an easier time when their husbands are out learning than when they're home, because they mistakenly assume that if the man is home he ought to be at their service. It's simply not true. But I will admit that, as a wife, it is a very big challenge not to fall into that kind of thinking.
2) That said, if you really need help or you really need time together, it is important to get it across. Before you say anything, just look at your husband and think, "I married him for this, and this, and this good quality. He has all of those qualities and many more. He is a good guy who is not out to make my life difficult. If he knew that I felt badly, he would surely make an effort to help me or focus his attention on me." Then, when your heart is filled with love and positive thoughts, you can say, "I'm sorry to disturb your learning; I know it's very important. I was just wondering if, when you have a minute, you might be able to help me with something/you might be able to give me a little time, because I need you."
But, really, the best thing is to pretend he's not there when he doesn't want to be disturbed, and go about your business. Not resentfully, just think that he's in yeshiva and just like you wouldn't call him in the middle of seder to ask him to come home and take out the garbage, you wouldn't stop him at home unless it's an emergency.
3) Now, you might want to discuss the fact that you would like to work out that every bein hazemanim (not chol hamoed), you're thinking that it would be good for your marriage to take a day together. Then, you don't feel like you never got your special time, but it doesn't have to color the entire bein hazemanim. And if, one time, it doesn't work out, it's not a big deal. Because there's another bein hazemanim coming up in a few months anyway.
4) About feeling fulfilled... You aren't going to have the fulfillment if you are bearing a grudge. That has to be worked out--then you'll find that it's easier to feel good about him sitting and learning. Because you don't have this underlying expectation that he's going to be at your disposal. You know that he cannot do both at the same time.
On the flip side, the more your focus on the importance of the Torah, how good it is for your home to have Torah studied there, the easier it will be to let go of the resentment and the expectations. He's doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing. If you really need him, it will have to become understood between the two of you that he will help you. When your husband knows that you will only call on him when necessary, he will respond devotedly. At least, this is my experience.

Take care,
Yehudis

Rebbe Nachman and the Philosophers--part 1

Some people are aware that Rebbe Nachman spoke out strongly against getting immersed in the study of philosophy, especially Jewish philosophy rooted in the Aristotelian worldview found in some of the works of the Rishonim. Unfortunately, many people misunderstand his position as just another form of anti-intellectualism. A closer examination of his work reveals that Rebbe Nachman's approach is really all about appreciating what one stands to lose by engaging in philosophical speculation, more than what is wrong about the content of the material itself. (I have to admit that he doesn't like much of the content either!)

So what could be so wrong with a work like the Moreh Nevuchim that Breslovers didn't even like to refer to it by name? They would call it the "Sefer Mem-Nun," as if even the word for the theologically confused could infect them with the same disease. But this really exposes the issue--it all has to do with seeing lack of emunah as a disease. If building a straightforward and loving relationship with G-d is the core of my Judaism, dwelling on questions for which I am almost certain to find no fully satisfying answer due to my human limitations, or cultivating an attitude of intellectual detachment in my effort to seem sophisticated or wise, is going to scuttle all my best efforts.

The following story illustrates the point well:

The Chofetz Chaim, zt”l, found his son, Reb Leib, zt”l, learning Moreh Nevuchim a number of times, and on each occasion he reprimanded his son, “This is not the way to true greatness.” Reb Leib didn’t argue, but when he was alone, he continued learning from the Rambam’s work. It was only when the Chofetz Chaim saw that rebuke alone wasn’t helping and took the sefer away that Reb Leib protested. “But I don’t understand what the problem is! The Rambam delved in philosophy, and who can compare to him? Chazal even tell us that Avraham Avinu came to belief in Hashem through philosophical speculation!”

The Chofetz Chaim replied, “You cannot construe Avraham Avinu as proof since he lived in a generation of idolaters and had to find his own way to true emunah. The Rambam also is no support for your study of chakirah because he wrote his book for those already influenced by the non-Jewish philosophers, for people who required help extricating themselves from the confusion such philosophies bring in their wake. This is the reason for the name of the work, the Moreh Nevuchim: Guide for the Perplexed.

The Chofetz Chaim continued, “But we are not perplexed! We know that Hashem appeared before the entire Jewish people at Mount Sinai and spoke to us! Why start from Aleph Beis? You can compare what you are going through to a child in his father’s arms. The father hugs and kisses his child and attends to all of his needs. If someone were to approach the child and ask, ‘Who is holding you?’ he would instantly respond, ‘My father.’ Any attempt to convince him otherwise would surely be futile. The child knows with his whole being that this is his father!”

The Chofetz Chaim concluded, “Woe to the child who still needs proof that the one who protects and cares for him so lovingly is his father! Even if you prove this to the child’s intellectual satisfaction, he will still not feel the natural bond of love which exists deep down between every child and parent. Unless this child gets in touch with his deepest feelings, he will always feel coldly toward his parent!”

Make a Rav for Yourself

This Shabbos, the Ribbono Shel Olam sent us a lot of guests and we enjoyed them immensely. During the afternoon meal, the conversation at the table was dominated by the question of what it means to become part of a community, how does a baal teshuvah find his or her place, and other questions of a spiritual nature. And one of our guests was very obviously in a dilemma about what her next move ought to be; she wanted direction, but she also seemed very set in her ideas about what would be right for her.
Later on in the day, when I had some time to myself, I realized that this is part of the meaning of the statement of the Sages in Pirkei Avos: "Asei lecha Rav..."--"Make a Rav, a master who'll be your teacher, for yourself." One would think that the Mishnah ought to say, "choose a Rav," or perhaps, "find a Rav," but it doesn't. It says to make your mentor. So it occurred to me that it is not the objective value of the potential teacher, what he has to teach, that makes him the Rav--it is my willingness to accept his marus, his authority, over me that invests another person with the power to guide my life. And if I am not willing to accept that authority, then I never truly have a Rav no matter how many lectures I attend or even how many questions I ask.
Just to complete the Mishnah, I'll bring a beautiful thought from Reb Nosson of Breslov, zt"l: "...U'knei lecha chaver..."--"Acquire a friend for yourself." Reb Nosson offers a play on words; knei in Hebrew can be the singular masculine command form "acquire!" but it also means, "a pen." He writes, and it's brought in the Milei d'Avos from Likutei Halachos I don't remember where, that your pen (or your keyboard) is your true friend. Use the pen, use writing as a tool to develop your Torah thoughts, your prayers, your connection with other people by offering them chizuk, encouragement.
May we all merit to enjoy a gezunte vinter, a healthy winter, and a good year.