Paining a Child for Chinuch

There are many sources which indicate that at times a light hit is warranted to properly fulfill the mitzvah of chinuch habonim.
But it is important to note the numerous potential pitfalls in fulfilling this complex mitzvah. The Sefer Habris explains that one who hits his child too hard, or pains him for no reason, violates both positive and negative Torah commandments.
In addition, the Shulchan Aruch HaRav rules that one may not strike a child unless he does so to give moral direction. With any other intention—like when striking a stranger’s child—it is forbidden since this is not for the child's benefit.
When Rav Chaim Kanievsky, shlit”a, was asked if one should hit nowadays, he replied, “You certainly must hit, but only at very rare intervals. If a child does a very serious action this is appropriate as the verse states clearly, 'חושך שבטו שונא בנו'—‘One who spares his rod hates his child.’ Yet one may only hit with great discretion and understanding, since one who foolishly hits every day renders this punishment completely ineffectual and pointless.”
Rav Aryeh Carmel, zt”l, once asked his Rebbe, Rav Dessler, zt”l, "Physiologists say that hitting breaks a child’s self-confidence, since his parent acts like his enemy if only for an instant. In addition, surely many people are prone to hit out of anger and not really to help their child?”
Rav Dessler replied to both claims. “As far as hitting in anger, this is absolutely forbidden, so it is not a consideration. A ‘baal middos’ or even someone who follows halachah never hits his child out of anger. As far as breaking a child’s self confidence, perhaps the very minimal amount of erosion as a result of proper hitting is the best thing for the child, since his feeling of absolute confidence is actually negative. If he feels that he knows best, how will he receive from his parents or teachers? In addition, too much self-assurance is one of the main reasons people reject Torah.
He concluded, “We must also consider that our desire to avoid hitting a child in any circumstance as a result of our great love for him may be a violation of 'חושך שבטו שונא בנו'. Perhaps our desire that the child have an overinflated self-confidence is the opposite of what is truly best for the child!”
But Rav Wolbe, zt"l, held that potching a child is virtually never advisable. "Although the verse states,'חושך שבטו שונא בנו'—‘One who spares his rod hates his child,’ this need not be taken literally.After all, what a parent says or even a sharp look can sometimes sting like a blow and is sufficient for one who educates properly."

For the Sake of Heaven

Rav Chaim Kanievsky, shlit”a, recounted that when his former Mashgiach, Rav Eliyahu Dushnitzer, zt”l, was in Minsk there was a seemingly simple man who was a pharmacist by trade who very much attracted his attention. Interestingly, every holy endeavor in the town was invariably brought to the fore by this pharmacist, who was the driving force for them all.
Rav Dushintzer asked the pharmacist how he had merited this unusual distinction.
The pharmacist recounted the following fascinating story:
“One time, the Chofetz Chaim was in Minsk and needed to purchase some medicine. Naturally, he found his way to my pharmacy and asked me for what he needed. After he paid for the medication he exclaimed, ‘I am jealous of you; every instant of the day you are involved in saving lives!’
“I was a bit embarrassed by this accolade and told him the truth. ‘This is just my way of supporting my family.’ But the Chofetz Chaim rejected this attitude out of hand. ‘You must be mechavein l’shem shamayim and l’shem mitzvah. Although it is true that you are forced to take money to support your family, you must always remember the greatness of what you are doing and focus on this.’”
The pharmacist concluded, “Ever since then I have made this my avodah, and now I can honestly say that I live for devarim she’b’kedushah. Over the years I have slowly gotten involved in different projects to raise the spiritual level of the community until I am as you see me here today.”
With just a little focus and spiritual awareness one can easily become a person who is rosh v’rishon lichol davar she’bikedushah!

An Undeserved Curse

Sometimes people get into altercations that can turn very heated. One woman got into a fight with her neighbor and was so upset that she pronounced some hair-raising curses. Her neighbor was very upset even though she had done nothing to deserve such curses. Despite her blamelessness, she felt very uncomfortable and wondered if this was merely superstition or if there was any basis to being afraid of such a curse.
When Rav Yitzchak Zilberstein, shlit”a, was consulted about the matter, he explained that an undeserved curse was definitely nothing to worry about. “This is clear from Rashi in Sanhedrin who writes that an undeserved curse becomes manifest for the person who wrongly did the cursing. Yet this seems to contradict the gemara in Gittin 35a regarding Rabbah bar Rav Huna. There we find that a widow asked him to allow her to collect her Kesuvah When he said that this was impossible, she asked him to fix the amount she was entitled to receive to pay for her upkeep from her deceased husband’s estate. He said, ‘Now that you have asked for your kesuvah, you are no longer eligible to receive anything from his estate.’ The distressed woman cursed him and he was always weak after that episode. According to Rashi, though, we should ask why wasn’t she cursed rather than him since the curse was undeserved?”
“My brother-in-law, Rav Chaim Kanievsky, shlit”a, explained that she had a bona fide claim on Rabbah bar Rav Huna. Although he was halachically correct, he should have realized that he was dealing with a broken-hearted widow and treated her accordingly. In such cases it is incumbent on a dayan to explain the halachah clearly and gently, to ensure that she understands and can accept it.”